Hello Reader,
Are you the friend who always has to do the things to keep the friendship alive and your friend never does anything?
They never text you, ask you how you are, plan meet ups?
First of all - that sucks! It's annoying to feel like you're always the one doing more in your friendships and like it's your responsibility to keep the friendship alive.
But let's talk about what you can do about it! ...
Want matches
In any relationship (friendships included) we have want matches. A want match is when two people want the same thing. For example: Person A wants Person B to text them every day and Person B wants to text Person A every day - that's a want match.
In your case, you and your friend have some unmet want matches. You want them to do things they don't do.
That can be because of 2 reasons:
- They don't know that you want them to do the thing
- They don't want to do the thing
First of all, you need to find out why they aren't doing what you want them to do - is it reason 1 or 2?
Have a conversation and make a request first
First of all, you have to let them know that you would like them to do something. It might be that they aren't aware of your expectation (reason 1).
Explain to them that you would like them to do the thing and why. For example: 'I know you told me that you're busy at work with your new project and that you aren't really on your phone in the evenings. That's absolutely fine! But I would love for you to text me every other day, even just for a quick chat, so that we can have a chat because it would help me to feel connected to you.'
Their responses can be yes or no
Then they can say 'yes of course, I will do that' or 'no sorry, I won't do that'
If they say they will fulfill your request, it seems like you have a want match. The next step is to wait and see what happens. If they follow through on what they said they would do - perfect. Problem solved.
If they said they won't fulfill your request or they said yes and don't follow through on what they said they would, you have 3 options:
- Talk about it
Ask them why they don't want to do it or haven't done it. Is there something you can clarify about why you want them to do it? Is there something you can help them with so they can do it? Can you adjust your expectations to find a compromise?
- Let go of your request
Find out why you want them to do the things you requested in the first place. Why is it important to you? Most likely it is because of what you would make it mean if they were to do the thing, e.g. believing that they care about you. You can believe that they care about you WITHOUT them texting you every day. That means you can let go of your request. You can love your friend regardless.
- Change the friendship
Perhaps this is just a clear want mismatch, you have different values than your friend. What's important to you is not as important to them. That's okay. You can accept that and either continue the friendship as it is, knowing they won't ever change and fulfill your expectation, or you can distance yourself or even end the friendship.
Summary
You may have expectations that your friends don't know about, which is why they don't fulfill them. Tell them about those expectations first. If they don't (want to) fulfill them you can either find a compromise, let go of your expectations or change the friendship.
The bottom line is your friend isn't going to change who they are but you have the choice to love them unconditionally anyway (no matter if they fulfill your expectations or not) - it's an invitation for you to experience love.
Are you going to take it?
All the best,
Sarah
P.S. IF YOU'RE STRUGGLING WITH UNRECIPROCATED FRIENDSHIPS, MAKE SURE TO BOOK A 360 FRIENDSHIP ASSESSMENT!
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In my 360 friendship assessments (worth £150) we evaluate your friendships:
You'll get a clear 'diagnosis' of why you aren't 100% satisfied in your friendships and a 'prescription' on how to create the friendships of your dreams.
You'll leave with clarity, understanding and a roadmap to the friendships of your dreams!
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